Just over a year ago, I came out as bisexual. Then, a few months after, as being on the asexual, and eventually aromantic spectrum It was a pretty huge deal to me. Finally, I was able to admit to myself that I am attracted to people of multiple genders but not in the same way most people are.
However even as I did that, I felt like something was missing. This wasn't some dramatic sensetion, just a sort of a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that kept telling me there was something else important, I needed to figure out. That bisexuality and asexuality didn’t cover my identity as fully as possible. The feeling presisted, but I didn't tell anyone, because it seemed strange and illogical. About a month ago however, I finally asked myself possibly one of the most important questions in my life. What if I am not a girl? And the more I thought about gender; the more I reaslied that I don't actually know what it means to be a woman. That I don't identify with a concept of womanhood and feel disconnected from it. That there have been many times in my life where being seen explicitly for my ~womanhood~, has made my skin crawl.
I don't really want to go in details here (if you are interested, I have a tag on Tumblr), but here is the gist of it: at this point in my life, I don't identify as a woman or as a man. EDIT (05.12.2016) I started calling myself non binary at first, then I tried genderfluid for a few days, but it didn't seem to fit so I switched to genderqueer, then went with agender (genderless, without a gender) for a few months, until as of now and finally,settled on librafemme, which bascially means I am genderless (agender), but I share some type of week connection to femininity, without actually being a woman/girl or aligned with feminine genders. (labels I use are lebrafemme and agender and as umbrella terms: non binary, genderqueer and sometimes, trans).
What that means and why you needed to know this, is that tough I am still pretty much the same person, I dislike people reffering to me with she/her pronouns and gendered language (even as a joke) such as my dude, my guy etc. Mostly, I just want everyone to use my new pronpuns which are they/them/their/themselves or fae/faer/faers/faerself. (Yes, 'they' a grammatically correct singular pronoun and x and fae is a neopronoun. Here is someone definding the validity of it.) I don't insist on using both, just pick a set and stick with it (and yes I realise fae might be too new and strange for some people, which is why I use they as my primary).
Here's how you use them:
Charlie is a sporker on DS. They spork Divergent and After on their personal livejournal. I find them kind of funny. Often, they spork by themselves, but sometimes they "bring in" fictional characters to help them cope.
Charlie is a sporker on DS. Fae sporks Divergent and After on faer personal livejournal. I find faer kind of funny. Often, fae sporks by faerself, but sometimes fae "brings in" fictional characters to help faer cope.
I understand mix ups (particularly, if you are not a native English speaker - trust me, I still misgender myself), especially intially; but I will appreciate it if you guys made an effort to respect me and not misgender me. And if you do by accident, don't make a big deal of it just apologize and correct yourself. (Otherwise it's even worse than the actual misgendering.)
Here's some reading material if, you want to learn more about non binary genders (x) (x) and particularly agender (x), here's one about how there's no such thing as a "sexed" brain (x) and here's a s great post by someone defending the validity of they as a singular pronoun (x), linking to more great stuff.
I think that's all, but if you have any questions for me whether or about my discovery process, the way I experience gender or my pronouns, I will do my best to try and answer (PM here or on tumblr).
That's all for now, xx.
Title based on this 1D song. (I like this one, it's so cute! And here's a viceo of Louis singing "my boyfriend." :P)
Also, if you want you can take a look at my post apologising for my abscense and my essay on why I'm okay with another 1D fic getting published (that is very much not After)!
*Rebekah is sitting comfortably on the couch. Her legs are crossed and she is playing on her phone. Thalia is in on the other side, eating pie.*
CHARLIE: *walks in* How did it go?
THALIA: * shrugs with mouthful of pie* Eh!
CHARLIE: I'll take this as a positive sign. Do you want to do a plot recap? For you it’s been about an hour, but for the audience it has been a while.
THALIA: *shrugs* Not particularly.
CHARLIE: Well too bad, you are doing it!
THALIA: *swallows* Oh, fine! *under her breath* Bitch!
Tessa went to party, she was a judgmental bitch, they played a game of truth or dare; she admitted she is a virgin, which no one should have been surprised at, both in and out of universe; she got dared to drink to the point where she was rather tipsy; Not!Harry was dared to kiss her, at which she freaked out and ran away. She went into his room and started reading Wuthering Heights, because she is awful and has no sense of boundaries. Not!Harry came back, offering her water, but still angry that she was in his room. Hestarted threatening her, then they talked almost like normal humans for two minutes, until he decided to start insulting her boyfriend. She threw her water in his face and ran away, meeting up with Zayn and Louis. We liked them much better, but unfortunately they couldn’t stay. The chapter ended with Tessa realising it’s too late to go over to her dorm and deciding to stay at the frat house for another night. There, are you happy?
CHARLIE: Yeah, that was pretty good, actually. I’m sure you can handle this chapter, right?
THALIA: Why is this chapter that’s so bad, anyway?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, about that. Fun story! I will start with TRIGGER WARNINGS: This chapter contains ATTEMPTED RAPE.
( Read more...Collapse )
You may or may not have heard that there’s another One Direction fan fiction up for the PTP deal. It’s called Escapade and here’s where I lose my credentials as a sporker, because I plan on defending the publication of this one.
I know some people might call me biased, because I have made very clear where I stand on certain topics and this fic, unlike After is about my faves and presents them in a way that appeals to me; and well, those people would not be wrong! I am biased! I’m totally biased!
I mean Escapade is not even my favorite Larry fic. (Though to be fair, I think part of that is because I had certain expectations based on the premise and they weren’t met, not so much the fic as an entity in itself. That said, I’m positively in love with the author's newest fic, that I just started on! This is what After should have been like!) It has all this cool stuff, like a good plot line (though admittedly not the most original one, but it so works!), three-dimensional characters who change through the course of the story, it’s well written, it portrays a healthy relationship between two mature adults (as opposed to a whiny, obnoxious twit with the mental age of eleven that should under no circumstances be having sex and is an emotionally manipulative asshole), the smut is actually hot, it’s funny, it’s quotable, and most importantly - it’s gay!
I mean, do you know how many straight romances are out there? I don’t. But they are all the same! It’s like I’m reading the same three stories over and over again! Every single romance plot line that involves a man and a woman has been done a billion times over!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if a straight romance can never be done well. It’s just that I really have to be made to care about the characters and their relationship to get invested. Honestly, even if Escapade wasn’t that well written - which it definitely is - I’d still defend it, just on the basis of it being gay. There needs to be more mainstream queer fiction! Young queer kids need to see themselves represented and queer relationships need to be normalised. I think that is important and it is one of the million reasons this book should be published (and you should absolutely go buy it!)
I know I may seem like a hypocrite, because I take a completely different position with After and 50 Shades and to an extent I get that, but I also think this is different.
Let’s talk about the two main arguments against publishing fan fiction!
1. It’s plagiarism!
This is the biggest and most obvious argument and it’s hard to argue against it. Writing fan fiction supposes that you are basing your story at least a little bit on someone else’s work. Therefore, if you decide to publish it, you would’ve had someone else put in some of the groundwork for you, be it world building or characterisation and that’s just not very cool.
But see, this rule only applies to fictional fandoms. RPF (or Real Person Fiction) works in an entirely different manner.
For one, there is no established set of rules about how a “character” should behave. I mean, you have the public narrative and you have your own headcanons, but there is no Word of God about it. There may be some really obvious traits (such as, say, all fanfics I read portray Louis as really sarcastic with a great sense of humor), but that’s about it. With AU fiction writers often don’t try to write the people in question “in character”, nor should they, really.
I think Jenny Trout said it best. There is a difference between inspiration and plagiarism. Inspiration is reading Harry Potter and saying to yourself “Wow, I really like those books! I’m going to write my own books about a magical school.” And plagiarism is reading Harry Potter and saying to yourself “Wow, I really like those books! I’m going to write my own book about an abused orphan going to a new school where he meets his two best friends - a poor redhead and a smart girl, and they run from a serial killer named Valdermart.”
I keep saying that the characters in After have nothing to do with Harry, Louis, Niall, Liam and Zayn and are them “in name only.” The Escapade characters are more reminiscent of the real celebrities, but have no traits so essential that you can take one look and say: “Yep, this is One Direction, for sure!” The actual connection to the band is minimal.
2. Fan fiction is for the fandom. It’s fan service and it shouldn’t be commercialised.
In general - yes, I agree. But the fact is that some fan fiction writers are incredibly talented. I have seen fanfics that were times better than published books!
The difference between authors like Dolce and ones like Anna Todd (and hell, even EL James) is while the latter sit on their phones typing away their somewhat cringe-worthy erotic fantasies and romanticising abuse, the former actually put effort into their writing.
(Also, here’s what what Dolce says about that:
“The view that some people have, that I am publishing just to make money off of the 1D fandom, could not be further from the truth and is, quite frankly, ridiculous. As I said in the beginning of the publishing journey, I am publishing to give readers a chance to have a professionally printed copy of Escapade, while also protecting my story. It was coming to a point where I felt my work was in danger of being lifted and, since it was not officially published, I’d have little means to defend myself if that happened. I have spent countless hours during the editing process, I’m talking probably over one hundred hours of work the last couple of months, all of which are unpaid hours. I highly doubt I will even make a real profit off of the story. This is a labor of love for fans of the story, and hopefully for some new readers who enjoy romance fiction.”
Honestly, I’m not even that strongly against After as being published just because it used to be a fan fic. Don’t get me wrong, there is no shortage of reasons to hate that rubbish series and not want it published, but surprisingly simply the fact that it started out as a fanfic is not that high on my list. The bigger issue is that, to this day, After continues to be marketed through One Direction! Every other media outlet that talks about it says it’s a “Harry Styles fan fiction!” Anna Todd’s Wattpad username (that is on the cover) has 1D in it and the origin of the story is explained right on the back of the printed copy! The original version is still on Wattpad! Even the names of the band members are eerily similar as she kept all the initials. To this day, Anna Todd continues to profit directly off of One Direction!
On the other hand, I have been on Dolce’s tumblr (in fact, we are mutuals) and not only does she reply to criticism of her work and acts like the adult woman she is (unlike Todd, who only ever replies to cutesy messages, ignores criticism and has no problems with her fangirls attacking people ten or so years younger than her - sorry I seem to have lost the video where this girl explains her situation after ranting about After), but she is also very polite and approachable. She made it clear she will eventually remove most of the story from AO3 (everything besides chapter one, as she is allowed to keep 20% of it online. Which also begs the question how come Anna Todd can keep all of it online; but hey, who I am to question the most read fanfic on Wattpad?) and while someone will surely point out the origin of her story, the idea is to market Escapade as original fiction, which it is. After all, she used almost nothing of One Direction besides their names.
Plus, let’s face it - while Escapade is a pretty popular fanfic in the fandom, it appeals only to a very specific sort of an audience and it has no where near the magnitude of After, nor do I expected to become a cultural phenomenon of that level. Though trust me, if I had to pick the next cultural phenomenon; I would much rather that be Escapade, not Vanilla 50 Shades, Now with Harry Styles in the Role of Christian Grey.
As a sporker, a reader, a writer, a queer woman and even a larrie, I sincerely hope her story sells!
And good news! New After spork is up now!
I’m not dead and I haven’t given up on sporking or LiveJournal. It’s just that life. fandom and other stuff came in the way.
I’m sorry to the three people reading this, for not having updated you on what's going on with me, though in fairness I was really not planning on taking that long of a hiatus.
Now, I could make an excuse and tell you that being in the 1D fandom is like having a full time job and while that is true, in reality I think there's more to it.
As some of you may know, in August last year, I had to drop out of my university in Scotland, because of some personal issues. Since then, I’ve had a bit of a hard time.
At first, I went back home; I got a really, really exhausting and low-paying job (in Burger King, except in Bulgaria it pays five times less than in the UK); I switched to working half-time, because I physically and mentally couldn’t handle working 40 hp; and. after eight months - during which nearly the entire work force changed - I quit. Then, I spent the last part of the summer with my emotionally draining grandmother (I love her, but I simply can’t spend long periods of time with her.)
Eventually, I signed up for university here, got in and am currently studying British and American Studies (it’s a humanities degree focused on language, literature and a bit of culture) and living back with my mom and her husband. University here is a lot more challenging than it was in Scotland - I have three times as many classes, much bigger workload and exams, which is a lot!
Another thing that has been going in the past few months, is that I have been seriously been questioning my sexuality. After some thourough soul-searching I finally reached the conclusion that I’m not straight, after all. I went through a whole bunch of labels starting with straight, but not narrow (lol); the rather ridiculous heteroflexible; then after an angry lesbian on tumblr basically told me to stop kidding myself (in the long run, I really appreciate that), I finally started saying I was questioning. Then I said I was "not straight"; then pansexual, and finally, I became comfortable with the word and label queer.
But the one that I eventually decided to stick with, was bisexual. (I also still rather like queer and wouldn’t mind if you referred to me as pansexual as that is technically more accurate, but I wouldn’t use it to describe myself, really.) Honestly, I just really connected with bisexual. I love the way it sounds and all the history behind it. Plus, ever since I figured things out and I found out that bisexuality is not transphobic, it has been the easiest choice!
I'll save you the details about my discovery process and my not-straight crushes, but I will say that I'm feeling a lot better knowing this about myself, even though I am still trying to work the whole thing out. I have come out on Twitter and Tumblr, and a few people in real life, including: some friends from uni, my childhood best friend, my beautician, who is also a friend (she has loads of queer friends), my cousin and my grandma (not the one I mentioned - she is incredibly homophobic too). There’s still plenty of people I haven’t told (most pointedly, my mom) and I don’t really know how to have this conversation yet, but I’m just sort of going with the flow for now. :)
And to go back to the beginning of this post - the other thing on my mind, has been One Direction. I will refrain from talking about every bullshit thing that’s been going on with this band lately, but I will say that 2015 was a fucking awful year to be in that fandom (2k16 is looking up just a bit,). But despite the attempts of certain members of their team to gaslight the part of the fandom I’m in, I have always stuck by my opinion and will continue to do so, because no matter how many times I run all the versions in my mind, only one of them ever makes sense taking in all the context. But that’s not a topic for this post. (If you want ask me anything about this, go for my Tumblr.)
Anyway, I have been involved in that fandom to the point that that I dropped most of my TV shows and am now catching up or starting new ones. (And they are all about superheroes and/or have at least a couple of lgbtq characters. Funny that!)
In late 2014, I got a fan Twitter (which is now half 1D twitter, half me ranting about queer issues, feminism and the dark side of Tumblr). After that, I was made a co-owner of a Bulgarian fan group on Facebook, which I quickly realised was not for me at all. I hated doing any of the actual updating (most of it was just stalker fans, and obviously staged pappings) and I couldn’t stand the naive and overall unpleasant opinions of the other mods, so I quit. After that, I was made a co-owner of a big fan account on Twitter. That was way more fun (though not completely unproblematic), but after about five months, the owner decided she didn’t want co-owners for a while, because of some things happening to her accounts that made her uncomfortable (not with us though, she still loves us. Then, I made a Tumblr (or more accurately started using my old one), which I have grown to enjoy much more than Twitter. Don’t get me wrong - it's super shitty sometimes, but it can also be kinda cool, especially if you are into the analytical part of being in a fandom.
So with all of that, I honestly just didn’t feel like sporking. See, I kind of have a system, where I need to post both an After and a Divergent chapter together and I didn’t feel like touching Divergent. After is so much easier to spork for me, because it makes me angry, whereas Divergent just makes me tired and i really couldn't do one without the other.
Now I’m sort of back but I can’t make any promises about an update schedule, because not everything depends entirely on me, (like I said - uni life has been hectic). I will however try to update at least once a month. :)
Anyway, since I realised how much I was projecting my issues with my own sexuality on Harry - I'm now convinced he is definitely gay - that led me to reblogging a lot of "gay is okay" posts, which led me to finding this magnificent thing by one of my other faves, which is how I discovered this wonderful gem:
Long story short - I haven't stopped laughing since yesterday. xD
Anyway, I just wanted to post something so you guys know I'm not actually dead or given up on sporking. I have a few posts ready including a post explaining/excusing my long absence but uni and fandom have been taking quite a bit of my time. I will try to post something more relevant soon.
- Sat, 13:56: Anonymous said: Honestly I have this really bad feeling that something is going to come up (like Harry and... http://t.co/SD18yLSYR2
- Sat, 14:05: britishhusbands: Fuck i just finished it I SHIT YOU NOT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE CRIED TEARS OF... http://t.co/fHXPk79rfc
- Sat, 14:11: Photoset: modest-cant-manage-this: louis pulling harry up to dance with him (◡‿◡✿) http://t.co/ewgikRJ59h
- Sat, 14:39: Anonymous said: do you have any fic tips or like.. things that you hate in fics? http://t.co/oJb38xHMI7
- Sat, 15:58: Consider this at a glance.... - plaidshirtsandheadscarves: It actually says that in the title. It for real... http://t.co/h5PR2GAO9Q
- Sat, 16:12: Photoset: alulawings: The true story behind Liam’s tattoo. http://t.co/DXJGzNcdOM
- Sat, 17:32: Anonymous said: I think that article was clearly someone sabotaging the progress the boys have made and... http://t.co/F9hDiMqFEy
- Sat, 17:37: Video: jimmytfallon: Delete the everloving SHIT out of this vine http://t.co/60Ofu3zS29
- Sat, 18:09: zaintheunparalleled: i think it’s a really important skill to learn, considering how young and... http://t.co/BXWvGuGsUH
- Sat, 18:19: thisicanpromiseyou: Just saw a post about how we should all buy the album because we shouldn’t let it flop... http://t.co/PEeSdPVBOf
- Fri, 13:19: @srw27 @1D_Beards Suzy did you find the messages by that sam anon?
- Fri, 13:26: The Greatest Fan Initiative - harrybirthdaytoya: I think it’s time we really talk about the greatest fan... http://t.co/of4LWttmyS
- Fri, 13:31: When people give Elsa crap for being "too sexy" for Disney - youtuberfandomships: kurooozora: rosiedoll:... http://t.co/7w5rGR9eUt
- Fri, 13:33: corpidicarta: Do you ever read a particular line or a tag of a fanfic and think, “I need to bathe in holy... http://t.co/tOhoW8aov4
- Fri, 13:35: chaoslarry said: Can people seriously stop acting like only Larries make sexual fan art. ALL fandoms do it... http://t.co/juZRYSmtZR
- Fri, 13:37: thestylinsoncrew: Antis and 1dhq talk about Larry more than the larries talk about Larry http://t.co/GDyLTmiJ4Z
- Fri, 13:38: Photoset: since-he-was-eighteen: Be proud of yourself. I’m proud of all of you. http://t.co/ZfgX3xENUD
- Fri, 13:40: Photo: harryndlou: studentofwumbology: harryndlou: look what i bought today :D Ew A problem? http://t.co/as19pZZzJu
- Fri, 14:09: Anonymous said: Have you seen all the articles following the interview and denying Larry? :/ http://t.co/adbkB0CYuk
- Fri, 14:10: vansandburberry: Remember how, in the WWA movie, Louis said that he loves the “You Make Me Strong” signs?... http://t.co/O11UPO4029
- Thu, 14:25: RT @Louis_Tomlinson: @Real_Liam_Payne quirky.
- Thu, 14:27: RT @Amnesiari92: I SEE YOU HARRY. 👀 http://t.co/nNf6mNba4O
- Thu, 15:10: RT @Whathappen1d: Liam probably half (or more) naked on the cover of attitude magazine + exclusive interview. I guess 12 yo girls are not …
- Thu, 15:13: @RainbowNinja_3 @larrylover91 you should follow @homefromnarnia If you don't already. They also have a tumblr http://t.co/uCOfJ8k8oT
- Thu, 16:08: FINALLY @twitter has made an iPad update that is usable!
- Thu, 16:08: RT @britishspouses: 😭❤️ When I get messages like these, it erases all my frustration with hateful anons.. IM SO EMO http://t.co/fG7kWsx2c9
- Thu, 16:09: @britishspouses hey follow back? I follow you on tumblr
- Thu, 16:33: Photoset: persimmonlions: harry kissing the pride flag 😘🌈 2015/09/05 http://t.co/YtdMEmJnBm
- Thu, 17:51: RT @Whathappen1d: .@HollywoodLife If you're not going to check facts, at least check spelling. http://t.co/bdevcuM6gD
- Thu, 21:11: RT @harryondick: Student Harry (whipped as fuck and a teacher's pet) and teacher Louis I gtg http://t.co/YGe8IaUriZ
- Wed, 14:22: RT @harrytexts: i love my mom but i feel harry styles is more accepting and encouraging of me n also he is less problematic so he is my tru…
- Wed, 14:22: RT @harrytexts: one direction speeches: • absolutely incredible • massive thank you
- Wed, 14:22: RT @harrytexts: i don't just ship it, i luxury cruise that shit
- Wed, 14:23: RT @1d_flashbacks: harry said "yeah it is" when louis referred to a picture of himself as sex appeal what was this https://t.co/MvI5UXYlMG
- Wed, 14:24: Does it count if it's two of them fucking each other? https://t.co/08nmYnrtRn
- Wed, 14:25: I am getting 25 to life for that 😂 https://t.co/BP1cBEmW7M
- Wed, 14:25: NEVER?!!! https://t.co/3fDLjIvqVG
- Wed, 14:25: Tf would I do that for? https://t.co/CZ406BBV5t
- Wed, 14:25: Innocent - Charlie https://t.co/QDqiXneCTq
- Wed, 14:26: Does calling Eleanor a beard count? https://t.co/KlimlsnSQl